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I love sunflowers.  They are happy and cheery and they have symbolic meaning for me.  You see, no matter where a sunflower is planted, it will turn and grow to face the sun.
I was in Target last week and saw a wreath of sunflowers.  It kind of spoke to me so I bought it…brought it home…and hung it on the front door of my new condo.  The condo the kids and I moved into last week.

At the end of July was my 13 year wedding anniversary.  We’ve been together for 18 years total and have been in and out of counseling for 15 of those years. 

I’ve been writing a lot lately about the serious examination my life has been under.  After the death of my friend’s husband I wrote:

"So if life can change in an instant…one minute it’s one way and the next minute another, how do you make sure life is what you want it to be? 

 

I don’t mean that "Live Like You Were Dying" stuff, like the Tim McGraw song.  Jumping out of planes and climbing mountains and riding bulls.  Living each day as if it were your last is living out of a place of fear, as far as I’m concerned.  A place of scarcity.  Like life only has so much good stuff to offer and you better use it up while you still have the chance.

 

No, I’m talking more about living life with no regrets.  A life that is as good as you can make it.  A life that at the end of the day …or the end of the week…or on your birthday, you can say to yourself, "Life is good.  Life is authentic.  I am happy.  I am fulfilled.  I wouldn’t change a thing. 

 

That’s the kind of life I want to live.  It’s still a work-in-progress.  But if I ever find myself in a situation where life is one way one minute and another in the next minute, I want to feel like I was on the right path, since I only get to do this once. 

Wow!  I know this is pretty intense.  But between this and one of my other friends recently being diagnosed with ovarian cancer, my life is under pretty serious examination right now.

All that self examination led me to the following conclusion:  If I could die in a car accident tomorrow, this can’t be as good as it gets.  This can’t be my life…or his life…or the life I want to model for my children.

So, I am getting divorced.  It is not a decision I made lightly or without hours and hours and hours of soul searching.

I have been on an absolute roller coaster of emotions since then.  Scared…am I doing the right thing?  Sad…the life I’ve had for 18 years is over.  Devastated…how I feel when my children want to know why Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to be married anymore.  Grieving…the loss of the future I thought I had…and the life my kids will have without me moving forward.  Determined…I want my kids, especially my daughter, to see that Mom is strong.  And happy.  And a happy Mom is ultimately the best role model for them.  Excited…a new chapter in my life…one I get to live on my own terms

The kids are doing pretty well, all things considered.  Moving to the condo has been like a big adventure and they think it’s really cool that it has an elevator. But, it’s still hard for them to only have Mom or Dad, not Mom AND Dad, but we are trying to do our best to parent them and love them through it.

If you’ve ever been in a similar situation or if you have some encouraging words for me, please leave me your thoughts on the blog.  However, if you disagree or think I made the wrong choice and want to share those thoughts with me, please respect my decision and don’t.

So, after a week and a half of living in my condo, there have been moments that are really hard, but also moments when I absolutely know I’m doing the right thing.

See, I’m like a sunflower.  No matter where I am planted or what happens to me, I will always grow to face the sun.

209 comments September 9th, 2009