19 Comments

• 1. Renee Taylor&hellip  |  July 9th, 2010 at 11:34 am

  Not sure where you are spititually? But pick this book up it has helped my marriage more than I can imagine! The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. I know that you are in a new relationship at this point, but it can prepare you for what the Lord has in store for the future. Praying for you. Blessings

• 2. Sheena Balls&hellip  |  July 9th, 2010 at 11:41 am

  i just wanted to say thank you for the advice you have given to me. Long story short his sisters husband had an affair on her and blames it on her because she takes care of thier 4 children more than him. and now that my husband and i are trying to start a family of our own it scares me to death. so thank you once again for your great advice, i cant wait to hear more i need all the advice i can get!

• 3. liz&hellip  |  July 9th, 2010 at 12:25 pm

  please don’t blame yourself .. it takes two people working as a team to make a relationship work and putting each other first so you can both take care of your family .. especially when you have children .. being a parent is the hardest and most important responsibility in life and you were doing your best to be a good mother and wife .. we learn from each experience .. wishing you a great loving relationship and always believe in yourself !!

• 4. Sandy Holloway&hellip  |  July 9th, 2010 at 1:40 pm

  Sounds like your boyfriend is jealous of your children… It will only get worse.If a child wants to sit beside their mother that is where they should be allowed to sit.It will only lead to anger between the two.Children sit between the parents to show you are a family unit. You should have plenty of couple time not to interfere with the kids.Doesn’t sound good.. sorry
  Imagine what that child felt like being sat on the outside and moved from beside his mom.

• 5. Kath&hellip  |  July 9th, 2010 at 2:09 pm

  I agree 100% with liz.

  I hear the book The Male Brain is really amazing, haven’t read it myself.

  Most men, my ex excluded, like to feel useful and necessary to their partner, to exercise their skills and strengths productively. And they need to feel confident that you’ve got their back, especially in public, right or even slightly wrong. That they can completely trust you with everything, their hearts, their money, even if it’s half yours, the kids, your friends (agree never to bad mouth the other person to your friends and families-even if divorce is imminent), the house, the car, etc – you know, all the stuff that makes up a partnership – and that you’ll discuss all decisions that affect those in important ways, sometimes even minor ways. I think it clears the air to have, if you will, a written contract over what kinds of decisions have to be discussed, right down to the nittie grittie, if it’s important to one party or the other, then there’s less ambiguity over what matters. You may not agree completely in the details but at least you will have discussed it and maybe worked through some necessary compromises. You’d do this for an important business deal, and what more important contract is there than a marriage or agreement to raise children together. Of course, you’ll never anticipate everything that will matter and what matters will change over time too, so reviewing the contract periodically will help each of you to know what is changing in the other person’s mind and heart.

  In addition, I think it’s incredibly important to observe how he regards and treats not just your kids and his own but your friends and family and his own and they him, because in hard times it’s going to be these folks who support you and help you through……or not. Any negative indicators here are crucial.

  I hope this guy is perfect for you in every way.

• 6. Vicky Haynes&hellip  |  July 9th, 2010 at 2:29 pm

  I have been in your shoes and understand what you are saying completely. It’s good that you are recognizing some of these things early on and accepting your part. It will help you to deal with your ex more easily I think.
  Word of caution. If this relationship you are having now continues and/or deepens into something more, expect that your children will have issues with it. Remember that they are used to being in the middle and may feel like they are being pushed to the outside and left to fend for themselves. It came become a really big bone of contention! Believe me, I speak from experience. New relationships with kids is tough on everyone and you may find yourself thinking that it just isn’t worth the hassle. But remember that your kids are going to get older, develop their own friends and activities and eventually grow up and leave home. You are starting to believe that you are something more than just Mom and it is worth the work. I know. It was hell during the teen years but I have been remarried for over 20 years and my son is grown up (31) and out on his own. He married a wonderful woman and they just had their 4th anniversary. If I had cut and run when things were rough, I would probably not be where I am now and that would have been a sorry thing.

• 7. katyladybug&hellip  |  July 9th, 2010 at 3:01 pm

  Julie, just be careful that you don’t shut your kids out this time. They still want to sit by Mommy and are probably a little frustrated with being kept on the “outside”. This is a whole new world for them.

• 8. Lea Ann&hellip  |  July 9th, 2010 at 3:08 pm

  I think it is great that you are working hard to learn from the past, however, the thing that jumped off the page for me in your post was the fact that he moved next to you and the children sit on the outside. I may be way off base in this particular relationship but it would be a huge red flag to me. He is quietly underminding the relationship between you and your children without ever saying a word. What first looks loving can soon become controlling. I hope for all the best for you and your children.

• 9. Charmaine&hellip  |  July 9th, 2010 at 3:09 pm

  I just wanted to say Thank You for putting yourself out there like this! I order a few sheets of paper from you 2 years ago and started receiving your email. I enjoy reading them and look forward to getting them. I have listened to you a feel like I know you even though I have only seen pics. I live in Seattle…the complete opposite end of the continent from you, but feel like you are right next door! Anyway getting to the subject, I think whatever you feel is right, is. I have 3 kids and getting quality time is a chore. Where your children sit really isn’t that big of a deal, it is making sure that you are all connected somehow and your man knows that he is important to as well. He seems to be a great guy and I pray nothing but the best for you!

• 10. Kelly Collins&hellip  |  July 9th, 2010 at 3:30 pm

  My parents didn’t divorce. However, my father died when there were still 4 children at home. My mother, who had always taken care of us, was not as available anymore. she was dating and going out with friends. she explained that she needed to “take care of herself” but it was a very hard thing to deal with as a young teen. when she was actually “in a relationship” she would change from a very independent, make your own decisions person into a needy, person who always needed to ask the man what he thought. be true to yourself and who you are. that will serve you and your children best. I still resent my mother for “needing” a man more than us.

• 11. Maureen G.&hellip  |  July 9th, 2010 at 7:57 pm

  Yup. I too had given all my time to our only child. Left Mark as number 2 for sure. Everything for the kid. But what I realized as we finally had our own time together is that Mark never complained. Never said anything. Was quiet and patient until there was time for him. And that realization made me love him all over again. So it can go the other way too. Maybe if we appreciate each other more…

  Anyway, there is something we were attracted too when we married them. Just gotta open our hearts again with that Eckert Tolle feeling(remember that?), and things can come alive again.

  So good you are living in the now and appreciating what is happening now in your relationship with your boyfriend. What a difference that “living in the now” has made for me…

• 12. TJ&hellip  |  July 10th, 2010 at 9:17 am

  Having been through 2 divorces with 2 boys from each marriage, I have leaaned so much from my mistakes too.

  The advice I would give you is..yes work on your new love, but remember you chose to have your children and they must come first as they too are dealing with the changes in your lives. Often they feel displaced by the “new guy”. “He doesn’t want us, he just got stuck with us in order to get Mom!” The second marriage, which lasted 5 years, but ended as soon as I found out he was mistreating not just my boys from the first marriage, but also our 2 little guys.

  I thought that I had tried continuely to make my boys feel loved and secure, but now that they are 26 & 25 (they were 3 & 2 when their father and I split, he died when they were 20 & 18) we had to deal with teens who hated the new guy at one time or another because they felt like they didn’tt matter as much as him. And anger was/is a constant issue to deal with all of the boys. The younger boys are 19 & 16. The boys were 12, 11, 5 and 2 when my husband and I married.

  My husband and I have been married 14 years. He is and always has been kind, gentle and loving to all the boys. Giving them everything they needed and much of what they want as well as love, a great example of what a good, kind, hard working and honest man is.

  2 of the boys (1st and 3rd) love him to death and know that he is a great man to imulate, while the other 2 resent him everyday.

  The kids need to feel that they are still as important to you now as they were in the past. If you constantly move them outside the 2 of you that is where they will feel they now rate being with you.

  Just some of my experience, trying to help you and your kids to not have to deal with what I have been though. good luck to all of you.

• 13. Christine&hellip  |  July 10th, 2010 at 5:35 pm

  I have to agree with some of the comments I’ve seen here. Putting the kids on the outside is a red flag. The kids should be part of the unit. Part of the family. If this man intends to be part of your life and your kids lives then you and the children should be equally important while you are together and you and he can have your alone time seperate. Then he can have your undivided attention. It’s hard with kids….been there myself. I also learned a lot about myself while dating. The biggest, most important thing I learned…..It’s ok to be by myself if that’s what’s meant to be. I need to find my own happiness with myself and my children and if there is a man in my life he will be there because we want him there, not because I need him there. When I started dating my husband, we were getting very close and he got upset with me for going out with a friend to a play. He’d been cheated on so it made him worry. I told him….then leave….because you need to realize that I want you here but I absolutely don’t need you here. You’re choice. He stayed and got over that stuff real quick. We’re a very happy family now and he’s a better step father than my kids ever had in a father. God Bless Sweetie!

• 14. Mary&hellip  |  July 10th, 2010 at 7:48 pm

  Hi I think a new relationship is wonderful as well, but I agree with #4 and #13. I too had the “new relationship” but my 1 and only child comes first I feel your child or children should be able to sit next to MOM when they want…there is “Adult time” when they are in bed or have your seperate time together…You don’t want to make the kids feel left out or resent your new guy…One womans opinion Best of Luck keep us informed we may learn a little something as well

• 15. Beth&hellip  |  July 11th, 2010 at 9:32 am

  Wow, I am absolutely shocked by some of these posts. I read your letters daily and have been so happy for you and your new man. I don’t know you and my opinion is stictly that so take it for what it’s worth.
  I married my high school sweet heart. We had two children early in our 20′s. We always made time for each other. We had date nights, we put the kids to bed early and watched tv. We always put our relationship first, not the kids. I believe that is how it should be. Kids grow up and leave and if you haven’t developed a loving, caring, spontaneous, romantic relationship with your spouse you will be left living with a stranger.
  Unfortunately after 23 wonderful years of marriage, my husbad suddenly passed away. I refused to sit at home and dwell on my sadness. I moved on very quickly with my life because I know how fleeting it can be. My two kids hated me for it, at first. Now that I am engaged to a wonderful man, they see how happy I am and they respect my decision. My 19 year old son is still struggling with my decision and was very angry so I asked him to leave.
  The point of my story is, children leave and make their own lives. We give birth to them, feed them, clothe them, love them and take care of them, we do not, however, owe them our entire lives.
  Live for you, not your kids. Good luck and if this relationship doesn’t work out for whatever reason, don’t give up the fight. We were not meant to live alone. God Bless.

• 16. Rachael&hellip  |  July 12th, 2010 at 4:01 pm

  It’s always interesting to read the responses and see the many sides that we all give our opinions from. The key Julie is to weigh each and see which makes sense to you. What’s right for one, may be wrong for another.

  I have two angles on this given two intimate experiences with this type of situation. The first was when my mother separated from my Step Father (the only father I had known) after 23 years. I was 16 years old and not the most secure teenager and all of a sudden my Mum was dating and putting her new relationships ahead of her family. There were times when she was definitely unavailable to us as a Mum and after years of her being there solely for us, it hurt like hell. I know she felt that her time had come and she could finally put herself first but the balance was way off and suddenly we were at the bottom of the heap. It was very hard to understand and accept. Although I appreciate she had to resume her life (and we were teenagers), the change was so extreme it broke our family into many pieces that have never come back together.

  My second experience is as a step parent. I meet my fiance when his son was 1 year old and he is now nearly 6. At first I found it really hard to share my fiance, particularly not being a parent myself. At times I was certainly jealous (of a 1 year old I would remind myself!) and I wanted my partner to love me as much as his son. Having been through the experience above, I found it hard to understand such love between a parent and child and this lack of understanding just made me more jealous. I was also newly in love and desperate to have as much of my partner as I could. But over time, I came to love that little boy more than I could imagine, and through self discovery and realising what I missed out on and so desperately wanted as a child (lots of love, attention and security), I knew that this little boy would want and need all those things too. And me wanting to be in top rank, over a child, was begruding those things that I would have loved for myself. It hit home and everything shifted.

  So now we parent with a balance that assures my step son understands that Dad and I are a partnership and we are important to each other but also that honours and values him (step son) as a our special link. We are a family together and each of us has a special relationship with the other. And my partner and I make sure we have our own time when step son is not the focus of our time. It’s our time to ensure we keep our relationship strong and connected, for our sake, and for the sake of continuing to provide a stable, secure and loving home with two parents lovingly leading the way.

  Learn from your experience but also remember the variables have changed, as have you.

  Wishing you happiness and good health.

• 17. tngtrekkie&hellip  |  July 14th, 2010 at 10:22 am

  I disagree with the comments about your boyfreind moving the kids to the outside. I took a christian parenting class and it taught us to just that. If you let the kids to sit between the two of you(breaking you apart) then the kids will aways be between you. Not that your kids or his are less important but to have a strong unified relationship you need to stand together both literally an figurtively.

• 18. MPF&hellip  |  July 14th, 2010 at 10:34 am

  Resentment a child feels towards a parent often times is carried to their grave. They may appear to be adjusted later in life, but it’s still deep in their core and affects how they feel about themselves when faced with other rejections. It doesn’t matter whose kids were pushed to the outside, the non-verbal communication to the child on either side is “you aren’t that important”. The reason they wiggle themselves in between is they too want to be connected to the love and happiness and not feel like an outcast. Sorry my opinion is kids come first as their emotional stability is still in it’s formative years – up through their teens. I wish everyone involved much harmony in this budding relationship.

• 19. Karen&hellip  |  July 14th, 2010 at 11:07 pm

  A very good friend of mine had to end her relationship of four years because her ex-fiance would constantly put his (almost adult) kids ahead of her. His kids didn’t like my friend and did everything they could to break up that relationship. It worked. My friend and her ex were such a good match, but she just couldn’t compete with his kids. That was several years ago and now those kids are fully grown and gone – and her ex is still alone. I know at least two or three more couples who will most likely be getting divorced as soon as their kids are out of the house. They’ve put the kids first for 10-15 years and never worked on their relationship.

  There will be times when the kids come first, and time when your boyfriend comes first. I guess the trick is finding that perfect balance. I just don’t believe that kids should ALWAYS come first. That attitude has created a generation of spoiled kids who think they are entitled to have the world handed to them on a silver platter.
  I’d say let the kids sit in between sometimes, and outside sometimes but they shouldn’t always come between you.

  A couple other friends of mine took two vacations every year. One family vacation with all the kids and one romantic getaway for just the two of them, leaving the kids with Grandma. I always thought that was a good idea – it gave them time to rekindle the romance and just enjoy being married.